Shortcut
I've gotta get to the gym. I'm posting something I put on my MySpace blog the other day because, by and large, the people who read that don't read this and vice versa. Happy Monday!
Things that annoy the shit out of me:
People who are in my fucking way -- in the grocery store, in a parking lot, wherever. If you are in the middle of an aisle, or parked on the line of a parking space, move your ass!
Cantankerous old people who think they can be assholes just because they are old. If you want something, ask for it nicely!
The cost of cereal. A mass-produced, 18 oz. box of bran flakes with some raisins should not cost five bucks!
Having to go to another store in addition to the grocery store to get my milk because my grocery store carries crap milk that spoils way before the expiration date!
The fact that my mail man doesn't show up until somtime between 5 and 6 p.m. now instead of 1 or 2. What the hell time do these people get started, anyway?
The Tupperware lady that I gave my broken cheese grater blade to in NOVEMBER and who is now not even returning my calls to tell me when I can get my goddamned replacement blade!
People making plans that affect me without my knowledge and consent. It ain't a surprise party, people. I wanna be consulted!
The 1/2" layer of dust that descends upon the inside of my house every week.
The MF'ing telephone cord and USB cable running from my living room wall to my desk that will stay there unless and until I go buy a longer one and bury it myself!
The 200+ pound basketball hoop that I dragged to the side of the house a couple of weeks ago and will apparently have to take a cutting torch to in order to get off my property!
The fact that it's so easy to go 4 full days without working out but it takes an act of God and a Herculean effort to get in 4 workouts in a row.
My fingernails taking so long to grow and being so easy to break.
Writer's block!
Three year olds sucking on pacifiers.
People who think insanely loud bass in their cars is cool.
Income tax.
Property tax.
Sales tax.
Mom jeans.
Bad hair.
Retail clerks too involved in their personal conversations with one another to efficiently ring up my shit so I can pay and get the hell out. YOU may be planning on staying all day, but I am not!
Other people's animals crapping in my yard.
People who try to sell me magazines and then give me attitude when I say "hell no, I'm 3 years behind on reading the subscriptions I already have!"
I wasn't really even annoyed when I wrote this, but I was reflecting on some things I saw and experienced while out grocery shopping and running some other errands over the weekend and felt compelled to reduce them to writing. Some of the other stuff is just bonus!
Things that annoy the shit out of me:
People who are in my fucking way -- in the grocery store, in a parking lot, wherever. If you are in the middle of an aisle, or parked on the line of a parking space, move your ass!
Cantankerous old people who think they can be assholes just because they are old. If you want something, ask for it nicely!
The cost of cereal. A mass-produced, 18 oz. box of bran flakes with some raisins should not cost five bucks!
Having to go to another store in addition to the grocery store to get my milk because my grocery store carries crap milk that spoils way before the expiration date!
The fact that my mail man doesn't show up until somtime between 5 and 6 p.m. now instead of 1 or 2. What the hell time do these people get started, anyway?
The Tupperware lady that I gave my broken cheese grater blade to in NOVEMBER and who is now not even returning my calls to tell me when I can get my goddamned replacement blade!
People making plans that affect me without my knowledge and consent. It ain't a surprise party, people. I wanna be consulted!
The 1/2" layer of dust that descends upon the inside of my house every week.
The MF'ing telephone cord and USB cable running from my living room wall to my desk that will stay there unless and until I go buy a longer one and bury it myself!
The 200+ pound basketball hoop that I dragged to the side of the house a couple of weeks ago and will apparently have to take a cutting torch to in order to get off my property!
The fact that it's so easy to go 4 full days without working out but it takes an act of God and a Herculean effort to get in 4 workouts in a row.
My fingernails taking so long to grow and being so easy to break.
Writer's block!
Three year olds sucking on pacifiers.
People who think insanely loud bass in their cars is cool.
Income tax.
Property tax.
Sales tax.
Mom jeans.
Bad hair.
Retail clerks too involved in their personal conversations with one another to efficiently ring up my shit so I can pay and get the hell out. YOU may be planning on staying all day, but I am not!
Other people's animals crapping in my yard.
People who try to sell me magazines and then give me attitude when I say "hell no, I'm 3 years behind on reading the subscriptions I already have!"
I wasn't really even annoyed when I wrote this, but I was reflecting on some things I saw and experienced while out grocery shopping and running some other errands over the weekend and felt compelled to reduce them to writing. Some of the other stuff is just bonus!
posted by PlatinumGirl at 6:07 AM
7 Comments:
Mom jeans? I need an explanation.
I laughed at the cereal comment. The price of cereal is ridiculous!
I'll have to go find you a picture -- and post it when I get home, 'cuz I can't access personal network storage sites at work. There was a Saturday Night Live skit on "mom jeans." So funny -- and, unfortunately, true!
I try to remind myself that a box of cereal will last a week. But still, 5 bucks!
Peachy: I'm just gonna post the whole SNL skit right here -- it'll all make sense then!
Mom Jeans
[ open on a mom unloading the groceries from the back of the family van, as the kids run loose ]
Announcer: Are you looking for the perfect gift for Mom this Mother's Day? Introducing Mom Jeans, exclusively at J.C. Penney.
Jingle: "Mom Jeans.. Mom Jeans.."
[ show four moms posing in the jeans ]
Announcer: Mom Jeans fit Mom just the way she likes it.
Jingle: "Mom Jeans.. Mom Jeans.."
[ show the extra-rounded shape of mom's bottom in her new jeans ]
Announcer: She'll love the 9-inch zipper and casual front pleats. Cut generously, to fit a mom's body. She'll want to wear them to everything, from a soccer game to a night on the town.
[ Dad frowns at the sight of Mom's new jeans ]
Announcer: And with your choice of ankle length, Capri length or shorts, you'll find the perfect jean for even the least active of moms.
Jingle: "Mom.. Mom Jeans.."
Announcer: So this Mother's Day, don't give Mom tht bottle of perfume. Give her something that says, "I'm not a woman any more. I'm a Mom."
Jingle: "Giving up.. giving up.. put on your Mom Jeans."
Announcer: Get a free Applique Mom Jeans Vest with every purchase. This weekend at J.C. Penney.
Here's a link to the skit itself (hopefully it works; my office internet is blocking it!): http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/30138/
Why do they even still make mom jeans? Ugh.
Yeah, I wish everyone would get out of my way too. If one more elderly person pulls out in front of me....
Pixie: THAT is the $64,000 question! Mom jeans and tapered pants . . . down with both!
I will never ever so much as look at a pair...shudder...
Ariel: That would probably be best. :o)
Post a Comment
<< Home